We all felt at least once an empty stomach, a little doubt or a shiver of fear at the thought that our soul mate had found ... another half. Although we told ourselves we weren't the possessive kind and didn't make scenes of jealousy because we were too fine, we gave in to the temptation to check on our boyfriend: a cell phone forgotten on the table while he was in the shower, which we glanced at as if by mistake. From here to other, more obvious forms of control is just a step away. Why? Because once jealousy is felt, it builds up. One doubt today, one tomorrow, three glances at his mailing list, and six phone calls in the middle of the night later ... and we'll wake up rotten jealous.
Jealousy is a feeling that can become uncontrollable. So it is necessary to know what to do when we are tempted by this feeling and, especially, to learn to control it, for the sake of the lover who can no longer feel for our sake ...
Jealousy is a biological phenomenon with psychological implications. Although you tend to think that jealousy is a spontaneous phenomenon related to how your boyfriend has behaved lately, in reality, jealousy is related to everyone's brain and previous experiences.
Julie Levin, a couples psychotherapist, explains biological and psychological jealousy. She argues that the appearance of jealousy is an instinct such as fight or flight, i.e., a fight or flight instinct, a defense instinct triggered by the brain when we feel the main physical and emotional needs threatened.
The part of the brain that ensures primary survival is responsible for the appearance of jealousy in response to a threat, namely the fear of abandonment! So the feeling of jealousy hides a very strict biological phenomenon. His main cause is the fear that our relationship will fall apart.
Julie Levin also describes the psychological meanings of this feeling. Jealousy can have deeper roots than your lover's behavior, which raises doubts. If you have had a relationship in which your trust has been deceived, you may light up more quickly, be more "aware" of the threat, have a more profound fear of abandonment. Also, if your parents are the ones who did not support you, did not offer you specific security, you may have grown up feeling that you are on your own. Thus, you have always dreamed of a solid connection with someone, feeling in yourself that you will not be able to get it completely.
In both cases, you may experience macro jealousy, chronic jealousy that needs to be treated, the psychotherapist warns.
Julie Levin concludes: "When the context of the current relationship rekindles an older wound - maybe the boyfriend travels too much or forgets to call you at the appointed time - you start to become alert about your partner and control him at every opportunity. It's a scary feeling - especially if you are aware that your partner is not cheating on you and has no intention of leaving you - then comes the shame of being jealous. "
The solution?
1. How do you treat jealousy?
"To heal jealousy, you need to realize that it can have deep roots, in a painful abandonment, a rejection that has made you underestimate yourself," says Julie Levin. She also says that the shame of being jealous is in the way of healing, so it is necessary to identify her and give her up. The psychotherapist reveals that logical reasoning or ignoring problems only fixes jealousy for a moment. The one who feels jealous needs the assurance that he is loved; he needs our understanding and attention. So do not hesitate to share your insecurity with your boyfriend, to ask him for some nice words to help you overcome your fear.
2. How do you control jealousy?
To control your jealousy, you have to live in the present and give up your image in the future - alone! Be aware that if your boyfriend is upset, he withdraws when you reproach him for cheating on you, this does not mean that you have lost him. He feels offended in those moments, betrayed by your thinking, and needs time. So, control the thought that your boyfriend wants to go away.
When he assures you of his feelings, believe him! He would not tire in vain. But, the more you blame him for leaving you ..., the more you push him into the path you don't want.
Regarding your daily problems (his boss is keeping him out of the schedule or the fact that he forgot to call you), your first thought should be: "Surely he has a logical explanation!". Ask her to be calm and friendly. If he has a good reason every time, you may be the one who analyzes too much, in which case there are chances that you will get tired of him.
Balance the fact that your suspicions may be unfounded, then talk openly with him (if necessary).
3. How do you make jealousy beneficial?
Simple, after you learn to control it, leave it free, but in small quantities. This is how you assure the other that you love him and that his presence in your life means a lot!
